a year of change

i have a testimony to present. my last post i wrote about how i needed the Spirit of God to hold me back from unleashing crazy on the last guy i talked to and that i needed God’s Spirit to help me to forgive him. God gave me what i asked for. last weekend he texted me and told me what a great job i did in the play and i began to ask what happened between him and i. and he told me he was sorry and what a dick he was. and it was just like an instant forgiveness in my heart. not that i will ever forget or ever go back to him, but it was just amazing how God allowed me to forgive and have peace that could actually wish him well. i’m amazed by my God :) he always provides!

a couple of days ago i read this quote on twitter: “The more we replay past hurts in our mind, the more past hurts hurt us in the present.” this quote shook me. i still replay those hurts the last boy put me through. over and over and over. and even though i don’t care about him anymore, i can’t seem to get over what he did to me. maybe i am mad at myself for trusting him. this is probably true. but there just never was closer so still in my mind i think: what did i do wrong? or why is he such a heartless ass hole? or how did he deceive me so well? and i feel like i need to get back at him somehow. but then i think to myself. 1) you look like an idiot trying to get back. because obviously he doesn’t give a crap about you. don’t look like you care. 2) why repay evil for evil? when Jesus talked about turning the other cheek, he meant for everyone who does you wrong, even the stupid boys that do you wrong. and for a while now i have thought that i could possible be his friend if that ever happened, but then…….. he unfollowed me on twitter. this seems really minor and stupid, and i wouldn’t care if it was just him cleaning up his followers to people he talks to, but no. he specifically unfollowed me out the 300 something people he follows. and i ask myself, why? seriously. do you hate me? what did i ever do to you? or do you feel like an idiot every time you see my tweets? because surely every time i see yours i think of how much of an ass hole you are. and now i am pissed off at you when i was just starting to forget you. and now i hurt all over again. and when the day comes where i have to see your face to face, i will need the Spirit of God to hold me back from unleashing crazy on you. i will need the Spirit of God to be able to even be around you. and of course i crave an apology, but i am not going to ask for one or even expect one. i ask God to help me forgive you, heal the hurt, and leave it in the past. 

it has been revealed to me that i have a lot of fears i didn’t realize i had. one of which is the fear of being loved. when he told me this, i thought to myself…there is no way. how could i be afraid of being loved? but as i thought about our relationship and those of my past and i realized. the closer they get to me the higher i build my wall. my wall is up because i am afraid of being loved. but you see i don’t understand this fear. everyone wants to be loved. why am i afraid? there has got to be another fear behind this. the relationships i have been in have gone like this: going off emotions that are based off of getting attention from the boy, getting in a relationship short after and quickly realizing i don’t like them and having to reject them. and then of course there is the awkward, oh so very awkward time period until everything between them and myself is only semi awkward. i think i am afraid of myself. i don’t trust my own feelings. i am afraid that i feel this way just because of attention and emotion. and i don’t want to do that again. i hate myself for what i did then, i don’t want to repeat. and when he shows me all this attention and love, i just push it away because i don’t want him to fog my mind. what i need is a clear heart to see through. then he tells me that love doesn’t make sense and you do things you didn’t think you would do. and i understand that love is uncontrollable, but i also realize my own fear of being out of control. and then i think that it is my fear of being out of control that is keeping me from love. but really it is all these fears. all these fears build my walls and they plant this barrier between me and him. and every time i have break that wall down. but then it comes back up and i again i have to break it down. and on and on and on and on it goes. 

i took a look at fears where i have broken down the walls. and i realized a pattern. God brings me to a low. i trust God to provide. and take action with faith. God provides. i watch as a provides and gives. at this point i feel like i am at the point where i just need to trust God to provide and take action with faith. or else i will continue to be stuck inside my walls unable to love.